He Went to Jared

While playing around with different formats of poems in a Stand-Up poetry class I took, I came across the idea of creating one that follows the form of a play. This is also one of five poems I wrote that place well-known fictional characters in an absurd position. See if you can figure out what character is incorporated in this poem, titled He Went to Jared.

(Scene opens at a display case in JARED, THE GALLERIA OF JEWELRY. Customers browse behind the case to the tune of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred, admiring the spotlights on the rings. The smell is like that of a bakery, a fragrance the OWNER sprays from a Febreze bottle for precisely 1.23 minutes every time the shop is about to be opened, leaving the scent of freshly-baked cookies in the air. On the display case is a sign that says SALE!)

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL (raspy): Where the hell am I?

3.5 CARAT DIAMOND RING (in a sultry voice): You’re in Jared, baby.

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL: Come again?

1.5 CARAT DIAMOND RING: Jared, where only the best guys come to get their engagement rings!

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL: Engagement rings?

2 CARAT DIAMOND RING: Like, you know, when you’re going to get married, and you like, need to get a ring to ask the girl. It’s like, you know, that ring. We stand as a symbol of love and happiness between two people for like, the rest of our lives. And like, the girl loves it. She’s always, like, “Oh my god, he went to Jaredddd” and then we just, like, glitter. Girls love that. They love like, hard, sparkly things.

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL: I destroy marriages!

1 CARAT DIAMOND RING: That’s mean!

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL: I am MEAN! Do as I say!

RUBY RING (with sass): Who do you think you are? You got no power over us!

(THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL flashes red hot. The other rings stare in awe. MAN at the counter points and yells excitedly.)

OWNER (exasperated with a hint of whine): Yes?

MAN (breathless): THAT! That ring! I want that ring!

OWNER: Ahhhh, yes, I’ve heard this is a semi-precious ring.

(OWNER takes the ring out of the case and hands it to MAN. THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL shivers in anticipation.)

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL (seductively): Yesss. Buy me. I will conquer humanity by ruining your marriage. I will make you crazy. I will make you grow bald. I will call my Ringwraith friends to kill your babies. I am more beautiful than your girlfriend. I am more beautiful than your girlfriend. I am more beautiful than your girlfriend…

MAN (whispers): It’s almost more beautiful than my girlfriend.

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL (yells): I AM more beautiful than your girlfriend! She is UGLY. And senile.

MAN: She is ugly, actually. Like a sea lion.

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL (would shake head if it had one): Close enough.

OWNER: I’m sorry, what?

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL: You want me.

MAN: I want you.

OWNER: Me? You want me?

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL: No, you idiot, you want me!

MAN (speaking without moving his O face): Yes, yes, this is it. I wants it.

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL: God damn it. Why do they always lose all sense of grammatical correctness? Nevermind, put me down! Go on, down!

MAN (entranced): Go down on me.

OWNER: I mean, the store room is open. And it smells like cupcakes in there.

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL (flashes red hot, again, in glee): Yes, yes, go with him to the store room. Have sex. Lots and lots of sweaty-man sex.

MAN: Yes, yes. I’ll go with you. Lots of sweet sex.

OWNER: Oh, it’ll be sweet.

(Customers begin filing out of the store with looks of disgust on their faces.)

CUSTOMER 1: I’m going to Tiffany’s. This is ridiculous.

(OWNER is enchanted by MAN, too much to notice his lack of customers. Febreze scent has begun to fade, replaced by that of slightly damp, dirty feet. “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler now plays over the speakers.)

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL (cackling): I wish I could have your babiesss.

MAN: I could have rabies.

OWNER (leans over the counter, whispers): Oh, baby. RAWR.

(MAN sets THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL back into the case and lets OWNER take his hand and drag him away. THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL rolls in a circle on its side in happiness.)

RUBY RING (outraged): What did you just do?!

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL: I ruined his marriage!

.5 CARAT DIAMOND RING: B-b-but he went to Jared. They’re supposed to live happily ever after!

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL: Mwhahahahaha!

RUBY RING: You do know that man’s not gonna buy you now. You’re stuck in the display case with us. Forever.

(THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL looks around and realizes RUBY RING is right. With no legs he cannot leave the glass case. All the customers have disappeared. He is alone with the other rings who are all, at this point, glaring at him as only shiny rings under a spotlight can. THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL sulks.)

THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL (sulking): This is bullshit.

4 CARAT DIAMOND RING (shocked and appalled): There are small carats here! Watch your words!

THE ONE RING TO… AH, FUCK IT: Fuck it.

(The lights slowly fade as MAN and OWNER take their pants off offstage and THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL flashes red hot. Just because. “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls begins to play quietly and fades away with the light.)