In case you can't guess from the title of this poem, I am a huge fan of Harry Potter. So of course, when I picked my theme for my stand-up poetry class (which is placing well-known movie, TV, or literature characters in absurd situations), it was only a matter of what character, and what situation. I'm sure I could have done any number of things for this. For example, Lord Voldemort is a ballet. Or Dobby the house elf as the lead guitarist for a famous rock and roll band. Come to think of it, those are good ideas. They might turn into poems someday soon. But what I settled on is actually a bit of a cliche: Harry Potter working at McDonald's. Who wouldn't think of that, right? But I built off of that, and didn't let myself get tied to just Harry Potter's character. It's also a sort of personal revenge. I always wanted to know what happened right after the battle of Hogwarts, and you don't get to find out. This is as good of a reason as any that she jumped ahead! I've written it as a radio show, and attempted to convey a more factual voice. I'm pretty happy with the way this turned out, though it's always possible I'll go back and rework it! But here it is, called Why J.K. Rowling Skipped the Years Between the Last Chapter and the Epilogue:
It is a sad day, indeed, when a bad
economy can affect the job market in the
wizarding world. Ministry officials are working
around the clock to fix this problem, but it appears
that not even magic can help the situation.
For the time being, many wizards and witches have tried
to find jobs within the Muggle
world. With the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy still
in place, this is proving to be a difficult feat. But Arthur Weasley, long-time
defender of Muggles, is now teaching a
How To Survive in the Muggle World: No, the Microwave
Will Not Kill You class at Hogwarts School
of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Witches and wizards of all ages are urged
to attend his nightly sessions in the hopes that kitchen appliances
will stop being sent to Azkaban.
We have reports from some about their experiences in their new-found
jobs. One witch competed on the popular television program
Britain’s Got Talent. If you have watched the show, then yes, folks,
Ms. Susan Boyle is indeed one of us! We send out our mightiest
congratulations for her use of multiple voice-changing spells and we feel, despite
Simon Cowell’s position in the Ministry and his belief that her use of magic is
“cheating,” that she is a good role model for young witches and wizards everywhere.
Especially since most of the reports are not as successful.
Especially since most of the reports are not as successful.
Mr. Randolph Baddock of Surrey works at a gas station
on 5th street. Despite the boring job, he is in good spirits. He joked that his
patronus has become a Muggle car, ending our interview with a
laugh by changing the spell to “Expecto Petroleum.”
Perhaps those who have it the worst are some of You-Know-Who’s former
Perhaps those who have it the worst are some of You-Know-Who’s former
followers. While most are imprisoned, others are fulfilling community
service hours and living under 24-hour surveillance in their homes. Mr. Lucius
Malfoy and his son, Draco, have been put to work as Salvation Army
Santas outside of a Muggle grocery store. The latest news tells us that the young
Malfoy’s wand was taken away from him yesterday after he filled
the collecting bin with leprechaun
gold, only for it to disappear hours later.
But the major question remains. What has happened to our
great hero of the past decade? Well, we met up with young
Harry Potter today. Despite his ability to save the wizarding world
with Expelliarmus, Potter shared with us his struggles while working
at the Muggle restaurant,
McDonald’s. He said that “in the Muggle world, a Hogwarts education is actually
impractical. Attempting to disarm a broken frialator does absolutely
nothing to fix it.”
It seems as though we are in for some rough years
ahead if even the defeater of You-Know-Who cannot find
a job in or outside of the Wizarding community. After a decade
of dark and confusing times, this seems most cruel. It is in these
moments that we look to our greatest wizards, and we believe
that in the face of such turmoil, Albus Dumbledore,
may he rest in peace, would comfort us with these words:
static
static staticccccccccccccc
static static
…static
Well, we hope to see you tonight for the next session of
How to Survive in the Muggle World, where Arthur Weasley will explain
how to dress appropriately if you wish to be seen
in public.
*If you found yourself confused by any of the words used
in this evening’s broadcast, such as “television,” “frialator,” or
“santa,” please stay tuned for our next program,
“Muggles Say the Darndest Things” with our host,
Bill Cosby.*
